It finally feels like my room and I am moving out in less than a week. It took me forever to clear my old stuff out and now I really love it. I’m burning incense like a hippie. A New Testament hippie, to be precise, lot’s of Frankincense and Myrrh.
I like Myrrh better, it’s sweeter but not overbearing.
It’s making me a little sleepy.
My tv is all set up in my room along with my xbox. I’ve been watching a ton of Netflix on it. I found a reality show called “Film School” which is really interesting but you don’t need to constantly be paying attention to it to know what’s up. It uses a lot of stock sounds from iMovie, which cracks me the fuck up. I’ve noticed that a lot of new commercials also do this to avoid paying money for background music. It’s lovely. Also, the fact that I’ve done enough with iMovie to recognize the stock music…wonderful. Shows what an exciting life I have.
I keep freaking out because I feel like everyone is better at everything than I am. I really feel like this in anything artistic. Everyone else is in a band or a show or making something or doing something with their lives. I feel like such a failure.
I fear that no one will accept me and that I’m never going to make friends that actually like me. My biggest fear is that I’ll never have the same kind of friend group that I had in elementary/middle school. Everyone was so comfortable and supportive of each other. We were so tight. I miss that. I miss not worrying about what people were saying behind my back.
Then I think about my aspirations, how I’ve given up on every one of them (really, am about to). I wanted to be a singer of a rock band, because I want to entertain people and inspire them. I gave that up because no one would believe in me because I’m not a good singer. I wanted to be an actor, but I feel so inferior to everyone else that I am willing to give that up for something new.
I feel like I’ve wanted everything and no one has really put faith in me in a while.
I haven’t had one great moment where I was completely satisfied with life. I’ve had little moments. My favorite little moments are
There are others, I can’t remember them.